i do

do you, xzackly, take this country to be your lawfully wedded place of legal residence?

i do.

i'm practicing. i got a nice form letter from the australian department of migration and cultural affairs. it was all in one font except for a long alphanumeric identifier, my name, the name of my assigned case officer and a date.

i have a date! what should i wear? do you think my hair looks better up? what about this skirt? is it too slutty? i hope she likes me! oh oh oh!

it's set for next tuesday. i'm supposed to bring my wife which makes it kind of a weird date, but hey, i'm a foreigner. when in rome and all.

i've got all my documents squared away so it's feasible i'll be able to work in a few wee... wait? job? i've got a date that's going to end in a job? dude. that is fucked up. this may be the worst date ever. i'm definitely not wearing the slutty skirt.

oh fine, they already took a sample of my fluids so there's no point in acting demure. i just hope they like me. you know, REALLY like me 'cause this date cost over two thousand dollars and i'm definitely expecting a little chicka-boom for that kinda cash.

yes. chicka-boom for both me and my wife. jeez. what kinda gentleman does you think i is?

the kind who thinks american movies need to pick up the pace, that's who. last night i watched Miami Vice. this was a mistake. it was about as exciting as professional bowling. and colin farrell looked like will ferrell in a bad wig. if it's comedy, good. in an intense action-drama? nu-huh girlfren'. i think it was about drug dealers, but it might have been about the importance of having a nice cellphone.

it's important to have a nice cell, you know? otherwise, how will your snitch reach you in your really fast car while you're driving it over your really fast boat to the plane. on drugs. on the phone. while having sweaty sex.

okay, so i realize that now it sounds like it wasn't that bad a movie, but it was. i would have rather watched that old episode of the miami vice tv show with phil collins in it. hmmm. i wonder if i can download that?

i also went with my sister and brother-in-law to the $5 matinee of The Departed. what does it say about this scorsese, damon, dicaprio, nicholson film that i came away saying, "well, at least i thought markie mark was good."

not much, that's what. by the end, i didn't care who was good and who was bad. i just wanted them all to die so i could say, "the end."

that's two big american films by critically acclaimed directors that have been less-good that watching drunk guys trying to negotiate revolving doors.

on the other hand, i watched Kenny, which is this australian film about a guy who runs porta-loos. shot doco style. engaging and honest and actually funny and insightful. and i watched Suburban Mayhem which was like britney spears jacked up on reds and shoved into an episode of Twin Peaks with a lit stick of dynamite in her ass (lit side in). it's one of those movies where you leave saying, "i need a drink" and "you don't see that everyday" and "mommy." i think you should see it. i also think you should bring whiskey with you.