house arrest

i'm waiting at home again today.

for a repair guy.

for a repair guy who was supposed to come yesterday. so i waited home all day yesterday. for a repair guy.

our super fancy, ultra-expensive ($300) washing machine is leaving pretty brown stairs on my wife's clothes. i told her it was all the rage. like stone-washed jeans. it's brown-washed t-shirts! why would you want that passe "i just bought it and it's one of two shirts i own" look when you could have clothes covered in brown stains?

jeez. people are so blind to cutting-edge fashion.

so yeah. i'm waiting home again. i called the appliance place and they said the guy would come "around lunchtime." which is nowish. i'm waiting.

if i do get out of the house today (excitement!) i will swing by the internet cafe to print out my new resume, my second xword puzzle, and make a copy of my super flash FBI criminal record report for my records.

i sent off for the report three months ago. it took them a long time to process it because you know i'm a gangsta. after all that time i got it back -- the exact same form i sent them but with a magnificently official-looking, bought-it-at-Office Max black smeary block text stamp on the back that reads, "No Arrest Record" and the date.

uh. thanks. if i had known it was going to be so unforgable i definitely wouldn't have considered making a fake one at the corner shop for $15.99. hey! maybe that's my new business plan? have a criminal record? want to purge it? $15.99.

our tax dollars at work. oh wait. sorry. YOUR tax dollars at work. i've moved to australia...

where the FBI has no knowledge of my house-arrest record.

my baby just wanted some clean clothes, officer. i'm not a violent man. unless the repair guy doesn't show again.