See Why Oh, Eh!
welcome to the first ever troublonia Chose Your Own Adventure story!
1.
you are in new york. you are almost thirty years old and you wear ties to work. sometimes you do business with the Yankees. it's awful. you must get away. in a fit of insanity, you give your credit card number to your unpredictable brother and his "foreign" wife. they buy you a plane ticket with your own money but don't tell you where you're headed. the idea is, you can meet up with them for your thirtieth birthday, have a laugh, and then go back to stabbing the Red Sox in the back.
you have little idea of what to pack so throw a pair of boxer shorts, some suntan lotion, a saddle, three apples and a tuning fork in your luggage. you grab your passport and head to the airport. when you get there do you:
a) get in the check-in line for dhaka, bangladesh? (go to #2)
b) get in the check-in line for hongity kongity? (go to #3)
c) get in the check-in line for boracay, philippines? (go to the bathroom)
d) tell security you have a nuclear device in your rectum? (go to #4)
e) i cannot read (dude. that sucks for you.)
f) hold your breath until help arrives (go to #6)
2.
you figure your nutty family would just love to see the look on your face as you deplane in dhaka during monsoon season. when you reach the counter, the agent looks up your e-ticket and laughs. she tells you that you're in the wrong line but helps you out anyway. she checks you in to a flight to dayton, ohio via frankfurt, odessa, and hiroshima. it will take 94 hours but since you cross the date line you get in yesterday in time to catch your connecting flight to phnom penh, cambodia. do you:
a) tell her to screw and come back yesterday to get the cambodia flight? (go to #4)
b) do a superman thingy and fly around the world so it's yesterday but then get all caught up saving lois lane from the disintegrating hoover dam and stopping lex luthor from nuking new jersey, missing your flight and just getting on one to hongkity kongity? (go to #3)
c) eat your apples with gusto? (go go gadget)
d) learn to read.
3.
when you reach the head of the Hongity Kongity check-in line you are amazed to discover that there is no place actually called Hongity Kongity and yet -- mysteriously -- there is a plane flying there. you board and fly and get bored and then time warps and they start playing kevin costner movies. luckily, there is a parachutte which you grab on your way out the emergency exit while the fasten seat belt light is still lit. when you pull the rip cord you are horrified to discover there is no parachutte, just a mess of those little bottles of bailey's irish cream. what the hell, you drink them all. now you're so drunk you can fly. do you:
a) fly to venus? (go to #5)
b) fly to dhaka, bangladesh (go to #2)
c) fly me to the moon, let me live among the stars, doo doo doo (go to vegas, baby, vegas)
d) fly to hanoi (go to #6)
e) join the circus (you win.)
4.
you either tried to get in line for a flight to cambodia or told the security you had a nuclear device up your rectum because you're getting a lot of weird stares. when someone who speaks eengleesh finally arrives to assist you they also stare at you weird. it's not their fault, they've got a wooden eye. and a parrot. and they like to wiggle their bum. affirmative action, you know? anyway, they tell you that you're not going to cambodia because your ticket is for the wrong month. that sucks. it happens though. you think you're flying in may but you bought a ticket for june. what are you going to do?
a) use your super powers to teleport yourself onto the nearest jet and hope it's the right one? (go to #6)
b) decide to sneak on to the flight to dhaka, bangladesh as no one much cares who gets on that plane anyway? (go to #2)
c) forget how to read.
d) oh hell. what are you going to do? huh? huh? figure it out for your damn self, you lazy bastard. (go to #5)
5.
you decide to fly to venus but that shit is far away. i mean FAR AWAY. keep flapping them arms. and watch out for space vampires. uh oh. there's one. you just got sucked by space vampires and now you is dead. dead. you chose poorly. loser.
6.
nothing can stop you. by hook or by crook you're going to meet your weirdo family in a weirdo place so you use a big hook to hang the corpse of richard nixon over the tarmac and in the ensuing bedlam (yeah right, upgraded security my butt) you sneak onto an asia-bound plane. you don't even notice where it's going! somehow, miraculously, when you disembark and get through customs, there's your brother and his wife waiting for you!
luckily they've converted to scientology and will help you purge your earthly shell of alien thetan invaders with a corkscrew, a tub of innards, and love.
----
see? wasn't that fun? aren't you jealous you aren't our brother and won't really be going to the airport in two days with no freakin' clue where you're headed? 'cause he is. for reals.
i'll give you a hint where he's going. it's not dhaka. it might be venus.
everyone wish lump a happy birthday! soon he'll be an old old old man so everyone buy him a cat. he needs lots of cats. you know, for the company. also, an ear horn. get him an ear horn.
i thought you were venus and she was mars. or if she's venus, are you veronica mars? this is very confusing. where do i turn in my hippopotamus?