Thems My Apples
it's almost may and you know what that means?
right!
it's time to get older!
may is before june and june is when i get older. this june i will turn thirty three. that is my lucky number! i wonder what will happen when i become thirty-three old? will i become the luckiest boy in the world?
maybe i will start spitting diamonds? or learn to fly by fluttering my eyelashes with great vigor? or maybe, maybe i will get cast in a christopher lloyd bio-pic?
in order to prepare me for the agening, bartlebee grew her first grey hair. actually, it was silver. a silver hair.
to celebrate i plucked it out and taped it to the bulletin board. bartlebee's first silver hair!
just one. one lil silver hair. right there in the front.
also, i started to use an ear-horn. to prepare for being old. it helps me hear what the whippersnappers are saying. plus, it's cool. ear-horns are dead sexy.
"heh?"
"what did you say?"
"get offa my lawn you damn kids! thems my apples!"
oh boy! i'm really looking forward to being an old fart. it's gonna be great. when you're an old fart you can say things that are completely unacceptable when you're younger. you can say things like, "that's the ugliest dress i've ever seen." and "you're some kind of idiot, aren't you?" and "i just shit my pants."
awesome!
not that thirty-three is that old or anything. just i'm getting excited to be ancient. maybe for my birthday i'll have an senior party. a grandparty.
we'll play canasta and listen to frankie valli records and drink old fashioneds. then we'll sit on the front porch and yell at children.
no pants-shitting, though. you have to leave some stuff to look forward to. ear horns will be acceptable, however.
i've been reading a lot about evolution. this guy, dawkins? the guy who wrote this book?
he says your momma's a jawless skin sucker. and your daddy's spineless.
when you're young, you can yell out "boobies!" all you want. seventy-five years later, when you're old, you can yell out "boobies!" all you want.
ear horn. next thing you know the guy will be using a dictaphone.
don't forget to celebrate your thirty three and a third, if you find centennial fractions at all interesting. :)
happy oldness!
i love me some dawkins. he's even cuter in person--a sweet, brilliant, irreverant, slightly befuddled professor with patches on the elbows of his tweed jacket. his wife is a hilariously snarky spitfire, and his daughter is a self-assured fox. they're kind and affectionate, and i could them among my friends and my blessings. three cheers for dawkinses!
alas, his books are too heavy. carrying it to and from work has kinked up my back.
and i've got enough kinks.
i guess i'll have to read dawkins at home.
I'm just waiting for 2006... year of the dog. Should be a lucky one for me.