Brown is the New Brown

i decided to wear brown to the wedding because black is just too goth. i can't go goth. i don't look good in red lipstick. and with all that kissing it would just smear.

everyone wants to kiss the groom.

i also think black is too severe. like, "i'm going to have to bury your dog now" severe. that just doesn't say "love me for the rest of your life" if you ask me.

brown says that. or maybe that's a soft azure? deep rust? jamaican sunrise?

my suit is not brown. my suit is sonoma soil. my suit is chocolate lab. my suit is polished coconut.

polished coconut? i think that's what you call teabagging if you're lance armstrong. oh now. hold on. that was uncalled for. it is not nice to make fun of guys with one nard. of the nardly disabled. of the uni-nards.

brown, i mean polished coconut, is friendly. it says, "hey. nice to meet you." it says, "i'm not sure what's in the casserole, but i'll try it." it says, "would you look at the size of that thing?"

i am also not wearing a tie to the wedding. ties are stoopid. why would i want to wear a faux penis around my neck? even a very colorful faux penis made of silk?

that would be like getting teabagged by a eunich, which is sort of a paradox. that, old chap, would be weak tea. a cup of decaf.

honestly, i wasn't thinking about teabagging until you showed up. it's your fault. if you hadn't read this blog it would have been about teabagging. no. that's not right. i mean it would have been about andrea dworkin.

i really don't know much about andrea dworkin. she was a feminist and she just died and she has the worst last name i have ever heard.

i saw these two little people in the stairwell the other day? they were totally dworkin'.

we mailed out our save the date cards today. a mess of postcards with our picture on them are flying off across the world. that makes me feel like a real estate agent.

in other news, my niece is funny.

for breakfast the other day she was having cheerios. my brother-in-law tells her, "you know your grandfather used to eat cheerios with cream."

zella doesn't know what cream is. and that is kind of weird, eating cereal with cream. she gets her thinking expression going.

"ice cream?" she asks.

"no zella. just cream." says brother-in-law.

"whipped cream?" she asks.

"just regular cream." he replies. kids are cute.

...

(more thinking)

...

"vagina cream?"

i think my brother-in-law had to leave the room 'cause he was laughing so hard.

zella wants you all to come over for breakfast real soon.