Three Six Five

last valentine's day was forever ago.

i thought that i didn't really want to celebrate the anniversary tomorrow. there are so many others. the anniversary of when we met. of when we moved in together the first time. and then more recently the second time. the anniversary of when we first kissed, or played that exceptional game of scrabble, or slept together, or admitted we were in love, or got engaged.

this one, this is the anniversary of when bartlebee came back around. of when she was surprised that i'd give her another chance and of when i was surprised that she still wanted one. to celebrate this anniversary meant i'd need to recall the misery between the the beginning and the start. the rotten days that i don't think of often. the times without her.

but maybe it's better that i do remember those. that i celebrate how strongly i felt so i can celebrate how strongly i feel.

even if we did blow off valentine's day to go grocery shopping and ended up fighting about low-fat reduced carb whole wheat tortillas.

a year and a month ago, i would have killed to spend valentine's day fighting with bartlebee about tortillas.

it's really awfully romantic if you think about it. romance isn't about buying flowers and chocolates just because the greeting card industry slapped you into action. romance is about feeling passion and acting on it.

we live together now. we're engaged now. we're planning our wedding now. we go shopping together and clean the toilet (sometimes) and walk the dog and don't feel in the mood and talk about money. we've been partners for a year now.

is it like it was that day a year ago, when i pressed her body against the truck with my own and felt the heat pour into me? do the kisses make my knees tremble? does the thought of her make my brain flutter like a startled bird?

nope.

now we spend valentine's day fighting about tortillas. but when i crawl into bed, i know just how her body will fall so that i can fit up against it. when i come home, i know just how her face will look if i'm holding flowers. i know how she likes her tea. i know how amazing she looks getting undressed. i know if we fight, that at the end, when we've talked it through, we'll both realize that more than anything we're scared of losing each other.

she's going to be my wife and i've never said anything that makes me feel more overflowing with emotion. writing it makes my heart jump and my eyes water and my breath short.

she's going to be my wife. that's exactly what i want.

i do.

i do. i do. i do.

because i am very much in love.