I Hear You're a Dirty Mother...
i have indeed figured out how to get excused from jury duty.
i was quite nervous on day two of the voir dire. by my count nine of the twenty-four seated prospective jurors had made statements along the lines of "due to the fact that my son just died of horrible throat cancer i believe i could not be impartial in this case."
now math isn't my strong suit, but 24 minus 9 equals 15. that's not enough jurors for a six week case.
but let's take a step back, huh? yesterday i showed up at nine and crowded into the hall outside courtroom 502. i estimate there were about seventy-five of us out there. after half an hour, the generally irritated clerk came out and read off names.
bob trousers, you're number one. suzanne monkeybutter, you're number two...
i'm twenty-four of twenty-four called. there isn't really a chair for me so i have to sit in a hard-backed one and half block the gate in from the gallery.
i figure, well, at least this means i'll find out if i'm on the jury or not in the first round. the uncalled people are going to have to wait and see if they're called up when some of us get cut.
wednesday consists of a lot of dull questioning by the lawyer for some poor old guy who's dying of cancer.
the defendants? nobody special. just Ford, Bechtel, Fluor Corp, Cal Edison...
seems the old guy claims he was exposed to asbestos. got throat cancer. definitely not a nice thing. sure to involve a lot of medical testimony. his lawyer seems kind of rumpled and bewildered. on the other side are six lawyers. one for each company plus a few more to hold the attack dogs. or pour water. i dunno.
anway, mr. rumples asks us a lot questions and i do my best to sound unappealing. i point out that one of the past presidents of the symphony has the name "bechtel" and i believe there's a connection. to this, they nod as if to signify, "yes. yes. bechtel owns your butt. join the club." (turns out she's a "bechtle" not a "bechtel")
day two is much like day one, except this time it's the defense attorneys questioning us. the bechtel attorney asks us if anyone has heard of bechtel. lots of hands go up, including mine.
and that's when it comes to me. when he asks me, "juror 24? what do you know about bechtel?" i say:
i've heard about Bechtel in association with anti-war protests. that its a company which profits from war and the slaughter of babies and they like to rip out the throats of kittens with their teeth just to watch the faces of the toddlers who are forced to watch. and to make money. they rape grandmothers for money.
um. or maybe i just said that first sentence. but i said i'm inclined to think poorly of companies like bechtel and it might be hard for me to remain impartial.
what do you know? after the lawyers conferred, i was excused!
phew! six weeks of medical testimony? i was ready to claw my eyes out after two days!
then you could have sued the legal system.
> phew! six weeks of medical testimony?
> i was ready to claw my eyes out after
> two days!
There goes your opportunity to 'stick it to the man'.