Lesbian Stoats
this is why i lurve natalie dee:
Q: If you could cross breed any two or three animals, which animals would you combine and why? What would you call it? Can i ride one?
A: i would cross a jackass and a hippo and call it THE INTERNET. you could ride one if you wanted, but you would probably get ejaculate all over yourself.
see? she is rockomatic. which is not really a word.
today. today i am really really really looking forward to the massage i have scheduled for tonight. madhavi has been insisting i get a massage for a long time and i've agreed she is right and yet for a long time i have NOT gotten a massage.
why is this?
it is because i am a moron.
i have been waking up with the ows for a while. i get stressy about something (anything really, i'm not particular) and then, when i relax, my body fails to follow suit. so stress gets compounded into these evil knots in my back which conspire and multiply and which will eventually, if unchecked, take over the world.
bow down before your new knotty overlords!
and condi rice? is it just me or is bush surrounding himself with a thick padding of serious yes (wo)men? i mean, he's like a delusional schitzophrenic who builds an army of imaginary friends to confirm his hallucinations.
one day he's going to wake up and people with actual information will be able to get to him. people who do not care if he disagrees or thinks differently and who will hit him with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No! Bad ex-president!" Then they will stick his nose in Iraq.
boy. i enjoyed writing that.
has everyone else been reading all the press about how when you get right down to it, massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country and born-again bible-belt christians have one of the highest? and not, like, get divorced, then get born again to be wed in the love of christ. more like, get born again, get wed in the love of christ and then get divorced in the misanthropic disaffection of christ.
maybe that's why born-again, right wing, conservative christians are so pro-family values. 'cause they know. they've been there. they're just trying to keep us from making the same mistakes they make. they're not anti-gay marriage. they just don't want those lovely homosexuals to have to deal with the pain of divorce and the disaffection of christ. 'cause christ can be a real bitch when he stops loving you.
that's it. i want to make bumper stickers that say:
Jesus Loves You, But He's Leaving You Anyway
i would also like to suggest we start to think about america the same way we think about israel. what, you ask, am i talking about?
well, in israeli politics, the prime minister must form a majority coalition in the knesset (their congress) to stay in power. in order to do so, they generally have had to rope in some fringe parties -- the religious extremists who want to settle the west bank so the messiah can come.
really.
now, we have a very similar situation here. our ruling coalition has roped in the religious extremists (okay, fine, they ARE religious extremists). they're going to have avoid pissing them off if they don't want to lose their majority and the next election.
scary, huh?
what can be done?
it's very clear. we need to catch GWB on television getting reamed up the cake by a lesbian stoat while surrounded by a coven of men dressed like the pope.
team. you have your orders. do it for family values. and for the NY Post headline:
PREZ FEZZED BY LEZ!
POPES GROPE STOATS!
it brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
