Telescoping
for a long time, i've thought there was a decent chance i'd get married some day. i never pictured my wedding, per se, but i had this amorphous vision of myself -- as an adult -- getting engaged and then married. sort of a self that i split off from the real me to inhabit dreams. the me that gets married.
now that i'm actually engaged, my selves have telescoped together in a dizzying way. i'm not who i thought i'd be. it's disassociative. sometimes it makes me feel like i'm not engaged because i don't recognize myself as the me i pictured.
like a photo on the wall in the travel agency showing some beach in thailand, i pictured my engagement. now, i'm engaged to find that the picture didn't include seeing schools of flying fish or present how perfect the evening breeze would be or hint that the mattress in my bungalow would be lumpy. the vacation, the engagement is real.
it's all very real right now.
and that's what is sinking in this week.
also, people keep saying things like, "welcome to the rest of your life," which does not particularly help anything.
not that i regret anything. madhavi is clearly the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with and i want to get married and i want to get married to her specifically. i'm just surprised at how real it feels to have that happening now.
we're both switching off between being giddy and being overwhelmed. the telescoping effect of these decisions we've made should not be underestimated.
i've been sleeping well, though. and every time i see that ring on her finger i get a rush.
it's not like i pictured it, but i made it. and what feels most appropriate to say now is:
wish you were here
