Ypsi
so there is some good news.
here it is.
yesterday, when i was feeling so blooey, the two people who were the most helpful were both people i have never ever ever met.
one was monique, who is a blogger with big pink sunglasses. she sent me her cell number and we talked for about half an hour while she continued to drive across country. she was heading to Ypsilanti, Michigan. i went to a strip club in Ypsi once, when i was about 19. my first strip club! boy does michigan depress me! the other person who rocked was a blogger named shannon. she spent quite a bit of time emailing back and forth with me all day and gave me some really good advice.
that's just pretty cool. when i started blogging, i didn't really think anyone whom i didn't know would ever read it. now, there are other bloggers out there that are my friends, even though we've never met. so, as bender would say, it's demented and sad, but social. except i don't think it's demented and sad at all, so fuck you bender! i will not give you a diamond earing!
sorry. nostalga trip over. (madhavi; that's all from the Breakfast Club)
i do think it's cool that i just write this stuff and people i don't know read it and they write stuff and i read it and then, it's like, we KNOW each other. and i can call up monique on the phone and we'll talk about very personal things, things i wouldn't necessarily tell anyone else, because i know her but don't know her.
so anyway, here's what's going on. i've been near panicked all week. i've pointed my brain spotlight on this deep, ingrown fear i've got that i'm unlovable. it makes me do and think stupid things. mostly it makes me worry that madhavi is going to leave whenever i do anything wrong, even if i haven't really done anything wrong.
for example, last night she was supposed to call me when she got to san luis obisbo around nine. when i hadn't heard from her at 10:15, i called and sort of got through, but couldn't hear and then tried again and got voicemail. she didn't call back. i thought, and said in my message, that she must just be in crappy-reception land and that's why she didn't call. but then... lying in bed, i started to worry that she was pissed at me. or that i had woken her up. or that she was feeling distant and didn't want to talk. i kept trying to talk sense to myself, saying that it was nothing. maybe she called earlier and couldn't get through. maybe she was just too tired and passed out. but no. my brain kept going "what if" and i woke up at 4:00 and 5:30 having had nightmares about it.
pretty stupid, huh? zack feel ka-razy!
being afraid that she'll go. which is really being afraid that no one could really love me.
but at least i'm aware that that's what happening with me now. at least now i've got my spotlights pointed at it, and when it tries to move i can fire warning shots.
i'm still afraid, but i'm clear on what i'm afraid of, and i'm becoming clear that it's one of those useless fears. one of the fears that doesn't help you, say, avoid oncoming wildebeasts or pointy-pointy eye sticks. it's one of those fears that makes you act like an idiot.
when i got to work this morning there was a message from madhavi saying that she had NO reception last night and couldn't call and how frustrating. and then she called again to check in.
because she loves me.
1. you need to believe that she loves you. you need to believe that you are loveable. otherwise the fear will eat your soul and make you do crazy things. and the crazy things make you unloveable.
2. growing up, i lived across the street from ypsilanti. literally. on one side of golfside street (which was next to a big golf course) were all of the houses, on the other side of the street was ypsilanti. living on the edge of the city border. i did a lot of bike riding in the dirt paths and the grassy fields in ypsilanti, and i remember going to that market where you bought your tooth-rotting candy. i don't remember a strip club, but i was probably too young for that. even when i was in college at um, i don't remember a strip club, but i was probably too ultra-liberal for that sort of thing.
3. it's never too late to realize the beauty of strip clubs.
I blame cell phones. Cell phones ruin lives.
"I had no reception!" is about the lamest excuse I have ever heard.
I love you! Doesn't that count for anything?
fear of being unloveable? ah, an excellent choice, sir. it's quite popular here at Fears 'R Us. you wouldn't believe the number of people who pick that one up.
note the user's guide that comes with it. it recommends that when experiencing this fear, and feeling you like to need to receive love, to *give* love to your partner. no, it's not a typo. yes, i know it's counterintuitive, but customers have found that it works well.
i hope you enjoy your purchase. have a nice day, sir.
thanks again for the conversation. it helped me a lot, too.
and three cheers for making bloggy friends! it's nice, isn't it--talking to someone feeling that you know them with the comfort of not actually KNOWING them.
and kooky's right. cell phones are both brilliant and stupid.
glad to help. it helped me too.
re; wireless communication talking devices: cell phones are GROOVY and that's all there is to it!
ps: yay!