Bring the Pain

yep. you know what i'm talking about. first, we're going to show the film widely considered the worst film of the 20th century. none other than the sublimely horrible PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!

then, when the audience is softened up and ready to chew off their own legs, we'll unleash what is almost certain to be considered the worst film of the 21st century: BATTLEFIELD EARTH!!!!

can you stand it! 7:30 sharp at my house! c'mon by! bring intoxicants!

now, i know what you're saying. you're saying, "you are one masochistic monkey-humper! why in the name of all that's holy would you watch one, let alone both of these films -- and in a row!"

well. i'll tell you. this is a film class. we're trying to help the tender little budding film buffs understand what makes film good. what better way then to show them what happens when things go wrong? not, like, when you go see Matrix II and walk out saying, gosh... it looked good. the effects were cool. but i can't quite put my finger on why it sucked big exploding fish gonads. (the dialogue. the plot. the direction.) see, most films have good sides to them. an interesting character. a novel plot. bare breasts and a stoat driving a car. whatever. these films lower our standards and it's challenging for someone who doesn't really know film to pick out what was not quite up to snuff.

watching these films, you can't go wrong! every single thing about them *across the board* is completely and totally inept. it's as if they walked down to the local elementary school, grabbed a bunch of kids, took away their ritalin and handed them film equipment and told them to make a movie.

i am full of glee! glee, i tell you!

if you haven't seen either of these "films" then you can't really understand what i'm talking about. you're thinking, "man, that zack is a snob."

no. (well, yes, sure. but fuck off.) these films are really that bad. in battlefield earth, for example, every single shot, and i'm not exaggerating, the camera is askew. why? no reason! no reason at all! maybe they just didn't know how to use the level on the tripod! maybe they thought that would make the film look "sci-fi" or something. there are entire scenes where, when they end, you say out loud: what the hell just happened there? was that a battle scene or a love scene?

it is like watching a truck full of biting spiders crash into a caravan full fox news reporters. horrific, yes, but also wonderful and beautiful.

these films will let you appreciate the simple competence of filmmakers in general. you will watch these movies and then understand why good editing is important. you will comprehend the power of film lighting.

you will once again love the movies. so you should come.