$9.75
i fookin' lurve hollywood! i lurve it!
reading on-line reviews, i see not one, not two, but three! three excellent ways i can spend $9.75. if you're not hep, i'll tell you what you should go see in the theaters right-stinkin'-now. g'wan! leave work early! it's time for the movies!
1) FAMILY CIRCUS: THE MOVIE
it's a gimme, right? for years and years and years you've bought the newspaper just so you can speed to the funnies page and chortle out loud at the mischivious, heart-warming, mad-cap adventures of those lovable bobbins Dolly, Billy and Jeffy. you read the one panel and sigh wistfully; if only there were more! if only i could stretch this sublime experience into a full-length feature film with celebrity voices and top notch special effects. just picture it! billy gets distracted on the way to school and wanders all over town as -- the kicker! -- an animated dotted line follows him!!! hillarious! sure to spawn numerous sequels, this picture features the voices of Joan Rivers, Ice-T, and Gilbert Godfreid as Dolly, Billy and Jeffy and special guest appearance by Sir Ian McKellen as Not Me.
2) LATINA BABES
oh, those wacky latinas! anglo superstar comics Carrot Top and Jim Belushi play CIA agents assigned to protect the two super rich daughters of a central american politician who've witnessed a major cocaine deal. unfortunately (wait, i'm laughing too hard to type...) the agents cut off the girls' bangs in a shearing accident and the girls refuse to play thier roles as scarface-bait. carrot top and jim belushi must, in order to save their careers, _dress_up_as_LATINAS!!!! it's practically impossible for these two to keep their natural white-boy down, let alone pretend to be latina, but if they want to catch them some noreiga, they're gonna try! this film is packed with almost one whole hour of inoffensive racial stereotypes and original gags based on class and station! with carrot top and jim belushi, how could you go wrong?
3) THE CHRONICLATIONS OF BALCO
dude! this is the sci-fi shizznit you've been humping my leg for all year! in this film, cosmic ne'er-do-well Balco (Barry Bonds in his first starring role) flexes his supernaturally large muskles popeye-style at all sorts of computer generated baddies. and man oh man does he scare the ever-living crap out of them! in one scene, and i shit you not 'cause i saw the trailer, he beats the pus out of a intergalactic space cruiser with just his glutes! then, just when things are looking grim, he gets a scratch on his cheek and goes sick, knocking 84 homers over the fence to win the game and save the universe.
oh yeah. i've also heard good things about The Corporation.
