Bad Widget
i don't often spend a lot of time or energy thinking about how i fit in amongst the general male population. when i'm faced with a more or less random cross section of my peers, however, i find it vastly discomforting.
last night, it happened. me, in a room with eight other men of about my age, discussing energy bars for an hour and a half. let me just tell you this: bleh.
okay. so one guy, and i'm not making this up, was wearing a ratty black hat with -- and i swear i'm not making this up -- an ace of clubs in the brim. an ace of clubs. what does that mean? is he applying for a role in the next lewis carrol book? i am afeared. and this man was only one of nine and, even scarier; i am also one of nine. god save me!
going around the room, the first four guys all respond to a querry about their hobbies by saying, "i like to travel." what the fuck? I LIKE TO TRAVEL! the guy next to me, wearing glasses that make his eyes look like puppies who've been locked in the car too long, says "well, as someone with a masters in creative writing, i write a lot." fuck you, pal! i write and i do not have heat baked puppy eyes! and i didn't get a masters degree to get paid to talk about energy bars.
and, you sorry gits, i DO NOT LIKE ENERGY BARS. so hah! take that! (um. anger? resentment? fear?)
the woman leading the focus group dumps a bag full of different energy bars on the table. she asks us to seperate them out into piles based on how we see them. this guy in a muscle shirt who will not shut up ever takes charge and starts going, "well, these are the high carb bars and these are the high protein bars...i like these ones for this time and those ones for that time..." and i'm thinking, "um. i know what protein is. that's the stuff that comes in a chicken." i want to sort them like this; "these are the bars that i'd use to stop up the tub if i wanted to take a bath and these are the bars with pretty wrappers and these are the bars that i'd eat if the other option was half-dead marsupial."
i think the part that scared me the most was when they wrote, "the thing i like best about Zone bars is ______." on the board and made us go around and fill in the blank. now, i had bought and eaten a Zone bar that day in anticipation of just such a question. all the other guys answered by saying, "the taste." as in, the thing they liked BEST about Zone bars was the taste. i found their taste akin to a rice krispy treat made with paste instead of marshmallow and flavored with unwashed dog. i said, "convenience." as in, when i'm hungry but don't have time to even get a frickin' bagel, i suppose this bar would do to prolong my life.
then, i admitted that i only ate energy bars when i had no time to eat "real food" and that if i wanted something that tasted good and was good for me i wouldn't eat something that came in a foil wrapper. muscle shirt guy gave me a dirty look.
ace of clubs admitted that he'd been on the atkins diet. i wonder if before he lost the weight he wore the ace of lard in his hat? let's all take a quiet moment to appreciate the beauty of a man in his thirties wearing the ace of clubs in his hat, one must assume, all the goddamned time. it's his trademark, dig it? i was woefully sad that i did not have a deck of cards with me and couldn't sneakily swap his ace of clubs for the queen of diamonds. what a tosser!
right: all the guys admitted that they were thinking about their diets in a new way now that we're getting older. we all agreed that we were steering away from junk food. and except for me, we all thought Zone bars were scrump-diddly-umptious! mmm mmmm!!!!
i am proud to be the bad widget in the target audience. in fact, i would like to make t-shirts that say "Bad Widget." then i would like to quit my job and spend a lot of time writing weird stories and having frisky sex and swinging in the hammock.
You sound more than a little defensive and on-edge in this post. Why do you feel the need to ridicule all of these men? Why are you so angry at the guy with a master's in creative writing? Sometimes you make fun of people in an it's-funny way, but this is more serious, more intentional. What's going on there? Dig deeper, why doncha?
jeez.
obviously, i'm concerned about being one of the masses. obviously the anger is fear that i'm just like everyone else and not particularly special.
but... really. unsigned comments like the above make me feel like a lab rat. i actually was having a good time ranting about the focus group and didn't feel angry or defensive or on-edge until i read that comment.
after feeling progressively crappier about this all day i've decided that i AM feeling defensive and on-edge and that anonymous critical comments like the above are exactly the kind of thing that make me feel defensive and on-edge.
whether i was feeling defensive and on-edge before the comment is unclear.
i'm fairly certain my snarking at ace of clubs guy or masters degree guy was neither more serious nor more intentional then anything else i've written, although perhaps balder, so maybe it just touched a tender spot for the writer? maybe they were feeling defensive and on-edge, too? or maybe i'm feeling less like i need to edit my work and letting some new sides of me show?
but i'm going to try and forget it. and make it so anonymous comments are disallowed in the future.
What's worse? Wearing a playing card in your hat, or overusing british slang?
Ha, ha. Just teasin'.
Good story! People are stupid.
the correct answer is "shape". i like zone bars because of the "shape." we would have also accepted "name", as well as "digestive effects."
What the f**K were your doing in a marketing control group about energy bars, zero?
If you wanted the money, fine, go in there and be punk rock about it...show no mercy. BTW what are we doing for your birthday xzackly?
Energy bars are disgusting and taste like the poorly created chemicals and refined sugar they are made from! The only reason anyone eats them is because they are too lazy to take care of themselves or cook for themselves.
The consumer wants their body to be ok and not have to put the effort into it.
Ultimately the target buyer is going trekking somewhere where they need a lightweight protein/carb/bloodsugar stabalizer. (Well that market isn't very large in the US) and they don't care what the bar tastes like anyway. But those evil marketing folk convince people otherwise. Ah...what is it that I do again?
Time 2 get back on the horse, blogwise.