Wages of Fear

today i had a full-on panic attack.

about nothing, really.

the same things that made me grin like an idiot at 9:45 had me trying to keep from hyperventilating at 10:30.

have you ever seen the movie Wages of Fear? it's a French film, black & white. if i remember correctly, a group of people in a backwater third world town agree to try something impossible so that they might escape their rotten lives. they agree to drive old trucks filled with nitroglycerin down a long unpaved road to an oil well that's caught fire. it's delicate stuff, the nitro, and one good jolt and the whole cargo will explode, certainly killing the driver. if they get it there, though, they'll be paid enough to be able to escape the misery they long ago accepted as inescapable.

and today i found myself quoting roosevelt in an email. there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

too bad fear is so fucking scary.

good thing i'm such a stubborn bastard.