Epitaph and Beyond
i was talking to myself in the shower just now. and i made myself laugh.
i said, 'there's a lot going on for me right now.' and instantly realized that there has not been a time in memory that i couldn't have said that with a straight face.
so if i die before i wake, that's my epitaph:
Here Lies Zack
1972-2004
There's a lot going on for him right now.
it would probably be true.
~ ~ ~
my big plan tonight was to take time for myself. to just kick back and fucking relax some. process what's been stirred up lately.
hah. i cleverly foiled that plan by inviting my father to have dinner with me.
we've had a distant relationship for a while. not bad, just not close. and i thought that was unfortunate and perhaps i could do something about it.
so we talked. and i think i upset him some, by pointing out some of the things he does that make it hard for me to share with him. but i tried. i tried. i don't know if he heard half of what i said but i hope he comes away with the fact that i cared to try if nothing else. i just want to know who he is. i want to be able to tell him about my life, about who i am. but god forbid i should do anything the easy way.
of course, there's so much going on for me right now, that i'm not sure how much shoulder i can put into my relationship with my father at the moment. and i'll relax tomorrow. or the day after. or the life after that.
~ ~ ~
i spent three hours on the phone sunday night. talking to someone i never thought i'd really get to talk to again. it felt like being back in high school, rolling on my bed, laughing-chatting-dreaming. and it made me euphoric. and it scared the hell out of me.
~ ~ ~
i got my father to tell me the story of how he met my mom tonight. the real story, not the myth. and he did. he met my mom when she was a friend's girl. they had a coffee, the three of them. mom got engaged to the friend, but he broke it off for a woman named eve. some time later, my dad heard about it. she sent a message to him that she was no longer with the friend, steve was his name. dad drove up to visit with her, from cincinatti to ann arbor, and she bought him dinner. four days later he said to her, 'what would you say if i asked you to marry me?' she responded, 'what would you say if i said, 'yes.''
he broke the lit tip off his cigarette and ate the rest of it.
they were engaged for less than half a year and are still married. he says he couldn't be happier and i believe him. my mom's an amazing woman.
sometimes if you trust your gut, things just work out. and with that thought, i'll go to bed.
