February 2004 Archives

oh. my. god!!!

so fast.

it's all so fast!

(we're talking about my new computer)

now i just need to get the bastard set up the way i like it. should only take me until it's obsolete and then i can start again...

thanks John and D for the hard/software help.

i'd write something more interesting, but i've got so much to do...

gobsmacked.

floored.

i've got wishes to give away. i don't need them.

the word of the day is resolution.

i bought a new LCD monitor and jacked up the resolution. what used to take up the whole screen, now only takes up a quarter and still looks clear and beautiful.

and i could *hear* her smile when i called just now. that's all about resolution, too. 'cause no matter what comes next--certainly still to be determined--included in there will be some resolution.

today i had a full-on panic attack.

about nothing, really.

the same things that made me grin like an idiot at 9:45 had me trying to keep from hyperventilating at 10:30.

have you ever seen the movie Wages of Fear? it's a French film, black & white. if i remember correctly, a group of people in a backwater third world town agree to try something impossible so that they might escape their rotten lives. they agree to drive old trucks filled with nitroglycerin down a long unpaved road to an oil well that's caught fire. it's delicate stuff, the nitro, and one good jolt and the whole cargo will explode, certainly killing the driver. if they get it there, though, they'll be paid enough to be able to escape the misery they long ago accepted as inescapable.

and today i found myself quoting roosevelt in an email. there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

too bad fear is so fucking scary.

good thing i'm such a stubborn bastard.

a brief summary of events as evaluated on a scale from 1 to 10:

sunday:
i feel normal - 3
freakometer - 7
headfullatude - 6
grin size - 3

monday afternoon:
i feel normal - 1
freakometer - 10
headfullatude - 0
grin size - wild fluctuations

monday evening:
i feel normal - so yes. so no.
freakometer - 6
headfullatude - 6
grin size - 7

tuesday:
i feel normal - 7
freakometer - 3
headfullatude - *warning*
grin size...

it's hard to measure something you can't find the end of.

it's good to be king.

so i went to this party last night. saw a group of people i hadn't seen in a long time.

i guess i didn't really know what to expect. i just drifted away from these people last summer due to the turmoil in my life. needed to pull my hat down low and fade into the shadows. after the first few months being away from them, being away just felt like a welcome change. i was meeting new people. i was doing different things. so i just stayed away. it was easier.

why did i go last night? i can't really say. my friend sandhya was hosting the event. it was only tangentially related to the old group. when i responded to the evite, neither of the people who made my life so complicated were attending. and why shouldn't i go?

last night everyone i recognized came up to me to express their delight that i'd decided to show. people that i'd known well, and some whose names i couldn't remember, saying, 'are you back for good?' ' will you come over to our house next week?' 'we've missed you.'

every storm has an eye.

every dog has his day.

every moment, every memory, every word hovers now, an inch off the ground, soon to fall. their combined weight making the earth shake.

i am reminded of the temple of ta prohm, swallowed by the jungle. trees older than america sprouting from it's walls. does the temple hold up the trees or do the trees hold up the temple?

sometimes it doesn't matter. sometimes you just accept it.

i'm sick again. i was feeling much better today, then i had a strawberry c-monster and started to feel ill again.

goddamn juice. it's all a plot.

i was talking to myself in the shower just now. and i made myself laugh.

i said, 'there's a lot going on for me right now.' and instantly realized that there has not been a time in memory that i couldn't have said that with a straight face.

so if i die before i wake, that's my epitaph:

Here Lies Zack
1972-2004
There's a lot going on for him right now.

it would probably be true.

~ ~ ~

one of my coworkers mentioned yesterday that he hoped things picked up for me. he'd been reading my blog, see? something i'd been aware of, but forgotten.

and i had to say, 'oh, well, in a lot of ways, i just use the blog to vent. that's just one side of the story and usually the side i don't want to address one-on-one with people.' frequently, the good things get left off here. in sensitivity to the people i care about who may not desire fame (however limited).

then this morning, i notice one of the regular blog stops in my commute has gone classified. password required.

that's number three.

like celebrity deaths, break-ups happen in threes.

all three of these are ones that threatened for a long time. big black clouds, heavy with tears, charged with electricty.

snap your fingers, the clouds break. or maybe they don't. watched these horizons and wondered for the past year. should i put on the heavy yellow slicker or leave it hanging in the hall closet?

this last one was my brother. and lea, whom i like. i'm sorry for both of them. i hope they both find their happiness.

and even though it's midnight and i've been sick and today has sucked i'm going to stay up a bit more and listen to the rolling stones. i find the blues helps.

i think i need to buy some nina simone.

it's a new kind of day.

by which i mean that i don't know how to categorize it. if i were an emoticon type of guy (which i most definitely am not), i think i would look through my little smiley-face lexicon and come up short for today.

i'm still a little sick. and i'm a little melancholy. and i'm feeling belligerent. and irritable. and hopeful. and i'm leaden. and i'm wistful. and i'm devoted. and i'm sly and armed and waiting for you in a dark corner, motives unclear.

i think i'll eat some vegetables and hang out with the dog.

it's been a weird weekend. quite good, but then also sad.

i feel like i've been handed a number of square pegs made out of glass and told to fit them into round holes made out of steel. while i'm on an old soviet era bus with no shocks on a backroad in Laos.

so it's not going so well.

nothing really fits the way it should and i'm not sure what i can do about that other than keep trying.

there's what you want and what you get and those are most distinctly two different things.

i almost fell down this deep hole this morning. i knew it was there, but i got a little careless around it so almost backed into it. almost took a step off and fell, with my face right up close to the rock.

but i never left my bed.

~ ~ ~

oh, forget it.