Zero

~ ~ ~

someone just asked me why i behaved a certain way. a way that caused them some grief.

i don't know.

i'm not a chess piece. i'm not playing three moves ahead. i'm a pair of dice and i'm rolling right now. why do i come up snake eyes? why am i lucky seven? go ahead and try and figure it out; analyze the felt on the table, the way you flicked your wrist, the look in the croupier's eye, the way the woman breathing on your neck--her hand on your shoulder--makes the room spin, gauge the air currents full of perfume and smoke and sweat and wind from flickering eyelashes. spend all your life taking notes and making evaluations and doing the math.

you still don't know how we'll turn up next. people are as unpredictable as the san francisco weather when they're on their own. together we're as easy to figure as roulette played with mercury and strobe lights.

i do the best i can and i'll admit it, sometimes that's just not very good at all. life is really complicated and even though i'm sorry about it, i'm done accepting all the blame.

if i was the only one around, life wouldn't be complicated. life is complicated because you're here too. and you're not a chess piece. you're a person. such a complicated beautiful person.

and i want to know: why do you behave the way you do?

but i can't figure it so for now i'll put my chips on zero. that's me.