Amazonia
i was in the neighborhood, feeling a bit daffy, so i thought i'd stop by for an aperitiff.
it's been six months. so sitting there at the phone booth with the lads, it occurs to me to wander the block over to Amazonia, my old house, and just ring the bell.
i moved out half a year ago and haven't been back since. too much memory there.
so why tonight? dunno really. i just let the impulse take me to those dirty blue steps. and ringing the bell, i see those neighbors, the ones who practically live out in front of their garage. i see the beer bottles rattling around in the corner of the drive. the crack house across the street.
the lights are on upstairs, but no one comes down to let me in.
standing there on the steps of Amazonia, the memory and emotion comes back so crisp. i see her on the back deck, reading her schoolwork in the sun. i see the dog leaping up, excited that i'm doing pull ups. i'm in the living room that she's painted brown after we chose the wrong green. i'm in the living room playing scrabble. i'm home and i'm in love and i'm destroyed and i'm writing things on the walls of the bathroom in black sharpie. i'm eating apple pie. i'm washing the windows 'cause we just moved in. because we're building a home together. a home that's locked to me now.
and how does it all make me feel, standing on the steps of our old home, without a key and with no one to answer the door?
it makes me feel like a candle that's just been blown out. watching the curl of smoke twist away and feeling the heat even though the fire is out.
and congratulations rachel and michael. i cannot wait to hold your son. welcome to the world ronan elijah. i wish i had spent the day with you.
~ ~ ~
waiting in line at citizen cake to pick up a cake for damian's 30th, i see this girl and think:
i want to wrap you in my arms so i feel safe.
does that make any sense?
on monday, i have tea with kendra. kendra's hair is pink and she looks fabulous. like always. we're talking about breakups and love and i hear myself saying, 'i'm ready to be in love again.' she says, 'oooh! that makes me feel all good inside to hear!' and it's just a perfect little moment.
then we look at the art she's made and it reminds me of the sun setting on the sea. you can just look at it forever and it keeps on changing.
which may be a decent definition for art.
