I Can Go
all i can say, and if you know me you know how weird it is for this to be in my head, is:
GO SOX!
i watched game five with my family tonight after they all got back from yom kippur services (which i skipped. GO ZACK!). we're from boston. and i know i should have rooted for the A's, but fergit it. it was such an exciting game and i was certain the sox would blow it but they didn't.
i'll tell you how exciting it was. it was so exciting my two year old niece, zella, was walking around the house afterwards saying "more bassaball." and she don't know baseball from chocolate eclairs. now if only it's a sox/cubs series...
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today i received my new passport in the mail.
my old one was expiring in november, so i sent away for a new one. my old one was green, being commerative of the U.S. Consular Service's bicentennial. a green u.s. passport filled with stamps, with the extra pages stuck in. visas from lao, vietnam, and china. stamps from india, australia, the u.k., nicargaua. words like passkontroll sandefjord. dermaga kastam limbang keluar. so many memories. its shape bent to my waist. i knew the number by heart. its goosepimpled surface calming under my fingers; telling me i can go.
my new one is blue. it's thin. it's bare. there's a picture of some old guy in it. some guy with no hair. i've got a new number to memorize.
i'm having a hard time not seeing this new passport as some sort of greater symbol. lots has changed since 1993 when i got the last one. lots has changed since lots has changed and then changed again. and today things changed even more. i feel like today i finally put down last year and took a step away from it. not a huge step maybe. not a permanent step maybe. but a step. put down last year and said in a faux french accent, "le jeu sont fait." the game is up. that as simple as it sounds, tonight i just feel good. my boss has told me the past three days in a row how much he likes working with me. my housemates smile when i come home. my family looks out for me. i made another new friend, kelly. and my ex, well, i think i can see her again and not melt into a puddle. what we had was beyond beautiful, but i might have reached the point where i can just appreciate that and not miss it at the expense of my joy. life goes on and i'm on a fantastic trajectory.
who knows what stamps will fill this book. where i'll travel to with this new passport. where ever it is, and however it is, this blue sheaf of papers whispers something to me: i can go.
